Holding Pattern

Gloria in the highest I have risen again
given core and cognizance to soul -
I am my own best friend,
I climbed out of the darkest hour,
prepared the feast for my final bow -
ages and ages from now
in some quiet corner
I will turn
crooks rounded, smoothed by use
warn down, but not out.
My voice will be soft
the stretch of my skin
will be akin to silken roads,
dust ground to a fine grit,
crevices large enough
to set fingers over and in.
I will reflect a life lived, impatient -
serenity is only one end,
identify love, hold her space
reflect grace, a past whispered
without degradation before you
a history unfolds, time to grow
turn the soil
fear not this experiment in your soul
until dirt to dirt there is no end,
no need to defend choices,
I mend.

A Rocky Point on the Horizon

When I was a young girl of twelve I discovered my first hidden world
in a moment of panic, running
from addict step-father, broken-down mother, dead father,
cut-ties, a life of elimination, I climbed through barbed wire,
crossed horses grazing on grass laden hills
saw the place where I could play pretend. 

A rocky point on the horizon, I reached, crossing more fences
before they found me, I climbed, higher than ever,
crossed the property line of others,
hoped for grace instead of gunshots,
I climbed as wind and sun hit my face, chapped my cheeks –
I was afraid to speak until out of earshot,
afraid of hands that might not stop.

The rocks were porous, colored like my skin, sun kissed,
tan and rosy, purple in the darkest places,
the rough surface grabbed my fingers, buoyed my toes,
I climbed, precarious I saw no way down,
any way off, and I had to create
my only keys to peace – an assemblage of balance.

When I reached the top the skies opened up like the tears from my eyes,
the words from my mouth created the shudder of my shoulders,
I climbed that last boulder and screamed.
Released shame guilt, pain, love with no output -
I cursed time, god, my mother, all of it –
who would leave a child of 10 on her own accord,
weighed by the gravity of the world.

I stayed upon that mountain face, until sun shadows grew long then gone,
I stayed for fear of repercussions, cruel discussions,
dissections of my damage, all that was wrong in my world.
I stayed until I could see no way down
convinced myself there was no way around, this life
prayed to gods of rock and sky -
lift me up, give me the vast strength to live through this life.

Pink skies twisted violet, I felt around, made my way down,
crept along shadows, hoped to beat the car coming back from town
hoped to hold the power of the heavens in my crown
prayed for the strength of my hiding place
kept the rock face near, strong enough to deflect my tears
held the light of the sky as I crept in
blocked sin with down cast eyes.

Ashes to Ashes

Nothing but melancholy remains,
a carcass, expanded, bloated with disgust,
relished freedom as some reward,
not the poisonous trap of fools, with nothing left to lose.
If others would only keep their mouths tied shut
by strings threaded with spit pinched fingertips -
all I would truly regret is my lack of bravery,
a failed ability to lull and pull magic to me,
soul rendered inferno, smoldered,
the ashes now turn,
for I am at once the dark corners, and moving shadows
watched with fear, left on my own, I mold.
I am the dust caught in your throat,
coated thick I brought decay.

A Good Fit

I am privy to the experiment -
observed you watching,
the woman, who sat beside
knees touched
pressed in, initiated
you tried it on - your new coat,
wondered if it was a good fit
flited, turned, perused and careened.
The car door opened, no words spoken
close proximity created
inside intimacy
side to side, eyes
inquired
the willingness to go for a ride.

Solace

Moment by moment my core cracks
canyons built by torrents of saline - deepen
slice, pull the sediment, loosen the top soil
splintering veneer thinned membrane
no stopping the rush and fill, unfound truth
left – brick by brick tumbles
stacked thick as flanks that have seen life
spread
thin.

Will you witness glacier changes
cliff sides fallen, sullen, into the sea
dissipating into dark waters, lifeless, ice blue
blackened veins, in vain shadows, and lost
left to crawl upon foreign shores
eyes clouded by murk, mired by absent affection
blind to prospect -
suppressed?

May I find you in the darkest hour,
cradle in solace on the crags and splinters remaining
take root amidst the rubble, create nutrients
erase the famine of my heart,
conjure a world to place my feet upon,
each breath returning life,
may I bring a tempest to your gentle moors,
reflect in you
hope?