Fifteen

The summer of fifteen,
we were girls in the budding summer night
all set loose upon the piers and boardwalks
southern California sunset filled eyes,
clothes fashioned and festooned from piles thrown
upon flowered quilts, we sprang, romantic
notions of boys soft kisses in our heads
uncomfortably embracing new skin
buds and bounties catching the eyes of men
given the simple task, stay together,
be safe, have fun, and meet back at midnight.
Left in the safekeeping of a cousin
barely old enough to enter the bars
we traipsed across rails and ran along walls,
hoping to turn heads, returning cat calls
edges softened by years of rural life
in one moment I forgot, lost my place
I made a choice, spoke my voice with my life
my safety net ripped off as if by knife.

He was a man, let that be totally clear
a man in his late twenties and I was
one month into fifteen, only a girl.
He asked for a ride, he knew of a bar
whispered to his friend, got in, touched my knee
 in the back of my friend's cousin's new car
my other  friend, blinded by jealousy,
dropped us on the corner, left on my own
if I should so choose to go any nearer.
I went, thinking I could handle my own
I chose not to drink, wanted to be clear
started to feel worried, wanted to leave.
I started walking towards the parking lot
the man followed in a weave, watching me
I tried to appease; hiding wobbly knees
 spoke to an appetite I didn’t know.
He leaned in with sour breath and blind eye
tongue to throat, grabbed and took a bite of me
grabbed my hair, pulled back.

He shoved my other hand, into his pants
I was only fifteen, unfamiliar
I felt scared and ready to leave,  alone
I started walking, grown man beside me,
I ducked and dived, kept fast talking of home
he tried pulling – down alleys, against walls
I kept feet moving in forward or reverse.
We reached the boardwalk, ahead I saw lights
felt the nearing close comfort of my friends
redirected words and action to school
reminders of my age, my innocence,
it was then I was pulled and led away
dragged by my hand then wrist across the sand
far from the light,  the night devoured me.
Pushed down, shouting to his humanity
remind him where I was supposed to be
as each grain of sand devoured my soul
engraved my skin and penetrated me
I kept on shouting “I’m only fifteen!”

It was a flawed attempt, filling the air
screams drowned-out by the oceans crashing waves
shoved head to the ground, swallowed whole by him.
That night I thought only of survival,
 of protecting my piercing beating heart.
I got up, lowered my skirt, turned to walk
kept fast talking, one step ahead, he followed,
he hollered, caught up and demised a plan
to meet again, he grabbed me threw an arm
over my shoulder, I cowered he spoke,
I wanted to vomit, I could not stop
one foot in front of another, safety
more powerful than any blank comment.
My friend’s eyes said it all, recorded my fall,
faulted by my choices made in my duress,
she never gave me a chance to express,
terrified moments left along the beach
the way in which my mind erased his face
for survivals sake  – I just walked away.