Collateral Damage

In the quiet of the night, before I rolled over,
turned out the light, I looked at my lovers eyes and
asked him what he was thinking about
“Our community, accountability, how to shift the patriarchy”
My heart fluttered, with heads on pillows
we practiced going over our battle cry.
I started remembering what I needed,
my need for hope was conceded, a tear dropped, and I said more
“I am looking for my allies, the homies that got my back
the ones who are going stand their ground and testify!
Stand in the streets, over-looking defeat,
turn-a-round to look at me and mystify.
I want my friends to form circles and pretend
to be best friends with femme-strangers in need.
I want the men in my life to stand up when I need it
call out their counter-parts, instead of looking  the other way
speak-up, stay, say the hard words that need to be said.”

His body hardened, pulled away, smile faded
He says nobody owes anyone anything,
told me we are all just humans, it’s not one halves job
to do the rest, that women also keep the patriarchy strong.
Like I don’t know this, live it every day, like my words had no meaning
and he didn’t hear a god damn thing I say.
My heart dropped, I didn’t matter.
The misogyny outside my door-step, the rapes,
daily abuse of being a woman who men think they can use,
having to play kind to men who see me as less than
a human at all, came here to play.
His lack of empathy feels like a smack to me
against the face of my soul.
I am the Bank heist;
he just reached in and stole
the last three years of my life.

He tells me to give him some credit
like the effort is an instant debit
I want to say, “Baby I have given out so much credit without collateral
I am like a savings & loan scandal.
The real estate bubble of my heart is about to burst, and
it’s filled with nothing, but air and dirt.”

My empty pockets of despair filled with tears and air,
kept my wheels turning like a recreational user on Adderall.
How many half-assed, half-baked, total flakes does it take
for me to learn that the more they take the more they earn,
while I am left with a yearning for something more.
Maybe if we all started giving when we see it’s needed
instead of taking until it burns
our hearts would not be found in a deficit on our returns.